One Hell of an Epic!
by LaBelleRoseBleue
Summary: Rating   "T" for Lovina's mouth, France's Perviness, making out, kidnapping, murder, violence, and whatever my crack mind can come up with XD A genderbender but Spamano which is love. Read inside for summary. You'll love it though, I swear it!


_One Hell of an Epic!_

Rating ~ "T" for Lovina's mouth, France's Perviness, making out, kidnapping, murder, violence, and whatever my crack mind can come up with XD .

****N.**eon **U.**ltra** S.**uper** B.**lah ** B.**lah {AKA: Authoress's Note} :: Part 1**

Believe it or not, this story came to me when my Creative Writing teacher said we were to start writing "Mini Epics". Of course the very first thing I could think of was The Bad Touch Trio and Romano with some super cool fight scenes surrounding some sort of Spamano scene ;). My teacher though, (Don't get me wrong, I love her to death, it's just the way she teaches that gets to me sometimes, it's very odd), actually said NOT to write the story itself out, just to put it on a PowerPoint thing with pictures and all BUT I personally can't do that whole condensed thing without an actual story first (Don't know why so don't ask). I am a total stickler for details, as you will plainly see, so I kinda had to write it out somewhere. Well seeing as I read a bunch of Hetalia FanFiction, I decided to write it out and put it on here You may now commence the feeling of proudness for having me put something like this awesomeness on here for your eyes to be graced with {Insert Gilbert smile and laugh here}. XD sorry Gil is getting to me XD I am also a stickler for grammar, even though I mess up sometimes myself. Here are a few things to keep in mind though:

Thank you for putting up with this Authoress's note, I love you guys!

PLEASE for the love of all things Hetalia and pure and Gilbert, REVIEW or at least put on favorite/alert, even those mean a lot to me. I will try to respond to reply I receive and can't tell you how much they make me feel inside! (I feel like Pedo!Spain looking at a tomato Chibi!Romano XD )

I speak English as my first language (I am from Alfred and speak like Arthur? I know just bear with me), French (Francis!) as my second, and am learning Spanish (Antonio KYAA!), Italian (Romano! and Veneciano!), and Japanese (Awww Kiku!) so I will make mistakes and here by apologize for everything I do and will try to not but translators are kinda weird so bear with me please. LOVE YAH!

Some facts will be off by a smidge, so as an authoress, I hold creative liberty and say that this is the way it should be for the story. I will try my hardest not to go too far off with this, but you know how authors get sometimes. What can I say; you love us though so as long as the story keeps going right?

_**DISCLAIMER!**_ I DO NOT UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES OWN AXIS POWERS HETALIA, IT BELONGS TO ITS RESPECTFUL OWNER WHOSE NAME ESCAPES ME AT THE MOMENT OF TYPING THIS AND HONESTLY I AM TOO LAZY (Like Romano) TO LOOK IT UP. THE ONLY THING I OWN IS THIS PLOT BUNNY.

So because of my love of Romano, Hetalia, l'amoure, the fact that I cannot do my assignment without writing at least some of this, fiction, romance, history, The Bad Touch Trio, my grade, and last but certainly the least (WHAT!) my sanity, I present to you without further adieu, (Wow that's a ton of commas. Wait was I supposed to say something. Yep I think so. Oh yeah . . .), for lack of a better title name, _One Hell of an Epic!_

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_**One Hell of an Epic!**_

_Book One, Part One, Chapter One_ :: "The Chapter in Which Tells the Readers All About the Main Beginning Characters, (Because For Some Odd Reason There is ALWAYS One at the Beginning of Stories), States the Main Drive for the Events of the Story, and the Upholds the Tradition for Chapters in Epics to Have Ridiculously Long Names"

_*Winter 1569 El Palacio Real, Madrid, Spain*_

_**You should know, if it is italicized look at the bottom of the chapter for the translation/reference**_

Authoress's POV :

"FRANCIS! GILLIAN! ANTONIO!" A blood curdling screech sounded throughout _El Palacio Real_ in the heart of the Nation of Passion. The shriek shook the entire palace with its force and sheer volume. The lead crystal vases filled to the brim with _blood-red carnations and yellow lilies_ shook in terror at the sound emitted from such a usually prestigious throat and threatened to topple over as paintings of the royal blood before rocked on their hinges. The servants in the household, as well as the usual occupants all didn't mind the yelling and had just moved to catch anything that fell. This was a nearly daily routine whenever the prince's cousin and friends visited. Speaking of which, three blue and red, scarlet and gold, and pink and black blurs ran by at this precise moment, all laughing in triumph over their successful joke on the annoying visiting heiress from Belgium, princess Bella. Her shoulder length _wheat-field (Kayla)_ colored waves bounced up 'n down as the purple ribbon so painstakingly set in her hair fell out somewhere along the pursuit of the deviants. Her full length violet dress was hiked up to her knees and her white heels had fallen off somewhere on the second floor in the east wing of the house, far from the starting point in the flower garden somewhere on the south side of the house. Her ivy eyes gleamed in her thirst for vengeance against the three idiots as her pale skin flushed from the exercise. She was not a large girl, no far from it, but the chase was long and tiring.

The three culprits, two handsomely dressed teen boys and an exotic, (well compared to the majority of the people in the castle), looking girl were rather enjoying this exercise. The eldest one and the one in the rear of the pursued trio, one of the boys, was dressed in a fine silk and cotton navy and scarlet suit in that order. The over coat and shawl was a rich marine blue made of a silk outside and a cotton lining of black on the inside with a snow colored puffy sleeved and chest tuxedo shirt underneath. A black French leather belt with a solid white gold buckle held up crimson pants made of the same imported cotton as the lining ending at the knees with boots made of the same material as the fine belt meeting where the britches ended. His golden shoulder length hair blew in the wind as his forget-me-not eyes shined from the hilarity of the situation as his alabaster skin tinted from laughing as he ran, tossing his signature red rose back at the pursuing Princess who growled as it her face. His white gold and blue topaz catholic cross necklace swung around his pale neck as he ran away.

The striking girl had her naturally cardinal eyes dancing from the success HER awesome idea was. Her pixie cut hair, a strange silvery shade only an albino such as herself could achieve, danced around her head as she ran at the middle of the group, tickling her eyes and ears. The Prussian styled cotton magenta and jet-black knee length dress swirled around her long, ghostly-white legs as her Prussian black leather combat boots she stole from her brother when they were younger many years ago (Her feet were small and she loved those shoes to DEATH!) pounded on the glamorous red and gold carpets below her feet. A random loose belt made of the exact same material as the boots with a silver buckle somehow tied the strange outfit together. Though the girl's rebellious attire was thrown off, or completed as one could never really tell with her, by a young sunshine yellow chick being cradled in the albino's hands as she ran. She continued laughing along with the two boys as a silver and onyx cross necklace hit her chest repeatedly while she sprinted.

The leading boy was the odd-ball out of the others, appearance wise, and the next owner of the estate they were rampaging through. He has sun-blessed skin with a tan, not too dark or too light, an olive-y complexion if you will. His emerald eyes were quite likely his most striking feature seeing as they always glowed like they were strangely colored embers rather than the stone they resembled. His hair was a thick dark chocolate, nearly black, color just short of medium length and always messy, but in a good way of course, that was moving like tall grass on a prairie waves in the wind when he was running. On his face was a seemingly eternal grin with teeth of pearl white lining the mouth and light pink lips the color of roses as the opening to it now wider than usual from all the laughing he was doing. He was wearing a wine colored, puffy shoulder, long sleeved button up shirt with three aureate shaded strips going down the shoulders and arms as well as the main torso and solid gold buttons with the crest of his family on the right breast. He wore midnight colored cotton trousers, much in the fashion of his friend, also meeting Spanish leather matching black boots with a belt like his French friend's, just of Spanish leather and Spanish yellow gold. He held a tomato in his left hand and was extremely temped to eat it as they were being chased. The yellow gold and ruby catholic cross around his neck bounded with each step.

How they all managed to run so fast whilst laughing and exerting their breaths to talking to each other was a mysterious skill they had all developed somewhere around the time they could crawl. The three of them were the closest of friends and always had been ever since, well as far as they have lived, literally. They had at a young age been inseparable and were nicknamed because of the mischief they caused, The Bad Friends Trio, or the Trio for short. The name was ironic, seeing as though they were closer than triplets were.

The blonde, Francis Marion Bonnefoy, was the eldest of the three at eighteen years and three months. He was _le Prince de la France_. His mother was the sister of the owner of the establishment that they were running through so that also made him second in line for the Spanish throne by default. Hailing from _le Pays D'amour _he loved everything. And when I say everything I actually mean everything. As long as it moved and looked good, he would love it and let it know so. Of course being French (I am too, but not this bad!) he was also quite the playboy and had "relations" with many of the maids of the estates. It was a common sight to see him hitting on someone, regardless of gender, and/or holding one of his signature red roses which grew with the white lilies all over his house. Somehow he always managed to have a rose with him and they seemed to pop out of thin air. One moment, no rose, the next it's in his mouth and he is woo-ing (or at least attempting to) some blushing maid. Usually his advances worked well for him, (he was gorgeous), and thus called himself the "_maître de l'amour_". It was just one of his things really and it just helped to define him.

The girl, Gillian Maria Beilschmidt, was the youngest at seventeen years and two months. She was the _Prinzessin Preußens_ and the first born, BUT seeing as she was a girl and had a very capable to rule, even more so than herself, little brother, Ludwig, so she was second in line to the throne and honestly did not mind that fact all that much. She much rather preferred the fun life as a pampered _die Preußische Prinzessin_ so that she could run around with her friends. Her mother had been the best friend of the boys' mothers so naturally they were all friends. She could be seen anywhere in the world with her favorite yellow chick, Gilbird, named after the awesome her of course, and loved to cause some sort of excitement and think of some hair brained scheme for her friends and her to do. It never took long for people to learn to never mess with one of the Trio members or else they would be at the butt end of the joke they pulled, sometimes literally.

The middle aged one of the Trio at seventeen year and six months exactly is the main character of our EPIC! and the main hero. He is Antonio Fernandez Carriedo, _el Príncipe del Reino de España_, next owner in line for the grande fortress they were parading through and cousin to Francis. He was an excellent fighter, but preferred to keep the peace and just live life with all the passion he could posses, seeing as he is the prince of _el País de Pasión_ that was quite a lot. He had a strange, almost obsessive love for the vegetable-fruit-tomato and was almost always seen carrying one where his friends had their own things. Sometimes it was like Francis's roses where they would just pop out of thin air and come to him. He even had a secret tomato (With roses because Francis wanted somewhere to grow more "_des fleurs de l'amour_" and a bird house with seeds for Gilbird) garden that only his friends knew about. Although Antonio enjoyed the life as _el Príncipe _he thought that if he were in a different life, he would wish to be a tomato farmer. ('Farmer' was word 2,345)

The Trio finally arrived at their safety zone, Antonio's room, and had just shut the door right as Bella caught up to them. Francis and Antonio barred the door and locked it while Gillian waltzed over to Antonio's bed and plopped down, still chuckling and out of breath. As the banging from a furious Bella resided the other two joined Gillian on the bed, looked at each other simultaneously and then burst out in a huge wave of laughter.

"That was brilliant Gill! Well done, _mon amie_!" Francis said wiping a tear from his eye as his chuckles finally died down to a more common level and he moved into a criss-cross position on the bed.

"Yeah," Antonio said agreeing as he moved to a leaning sitting position on the headboard, "I can't believe that machine actually worked!"

"Well of course she did, _**I**_ made her," Gillian said in her machines defense, turning on her stomach to face the boys. They made a confused face at the girl who sighed and elaborated, "Gilmachine, I named her Gilmachine. She is just a prototype and all but I know that she will turn out great. Besides today was a major _Gil-tory_ on that _verwöhnte Belgienprinzessin_ and she totally deserved it for trying to get Gilbird to go into the aviary! She knows that Gilbird wouldn't survive in that place, he's too small," Gill ended her rant by petting the chirping bird, "Anyways, Gilbird is too awesome to go into some boring place like that." Gill huffed the last line and pouted at the cute bird. Francis and Antonio smiled and joined in on the petting of the fluffy yellow chick. The little guy meant a lot to everyone there, he was like one of the gang. Whenever they were apart, Gill would use him to send letters quickly to the boys. It took a week longer to send a message from _le Chateau Tuileries_ to _El Palacio Real_ by normal means of delivery and Two and a half weeks from _der Stadtschloss Palast _to _El Palacio Real_. They used Gilbird when they played a game of War as another player, usually on Gill's side, and surprisingly he was actually a very worthy adversary. Gill claims that it is because he is a Prussian bird and that he is 'as Awesome as the Awesome-me'.

"So, when do you think that _ma tante_ . . ." Francis was cut off by a loud knocking at the door. "Never mind . . ."

"Antonio, Gillian, Francis . . . "A woman's voice, silky and heavily accented with a rich Spanish rolling "r", sounded through the heavy cherry wood door. The Trio gulped and hesitatingly Antonio, who had the most leverage on the woman, considering that it was his mother, responded in an innocent but shaky tone.

"_Sí Madre_?" Antonio's usually equally as silky Spanish voice was weak in comparison to the strong woman's.

"Open the door _por favor, hijo_," She said. Antonio quickly got up and ran to do as she said as the other fixated themselves so that it looked like they had just been talking. Gillian hid her pet under the black bow around her waist.

"Be quiet and stay there Gilbird, she likes you fine and all, but you know how much she doesn't like you in Antonio's room," Gillian whispered quietly to the chick who nodded and complied with the request. Just as they were settled _La Reina Gabriella_ entered the room.

Antonio was like her exact twin, although her hair was a shade or two lighter, her skin darker, and her eyes were a fathomless chocolate brown color. Her dress was a maroon color that complemented her figure and coloring very well. She was absolutely gorgeous; the personification of Spanish beauty in a female human form. Of course that made it look as though she was harmless, which was defiantly not true. She was in fact, truly a force to be reckoned with. The English royalty hands down the most afraid of her. She was a half Spanish (He father's side was pure Catalan Spanish) and French, (Her mother was a true blooded Parisian) and all terrifying. The Trio held her in the highest of respect, even more so than her husband, (More a figure head compared to her), Gillian's mother (Who was in second place defiantly) and father (In a position like Antonio's), and defiantly Francis's parents (Who were fun to hang out with and their home was great; but they were Parisians so they were not too fearsome, although they were cunning and devious.). _Reina_ Gabriella was actually very kind to her son, nephew, and Goddaughter, who in return never did a thing in their pranks to her; sometimes even working for her to get back at some 'English stuffy ambassador' who happened to get on her nerves. Those poor unsuspecting fools. Today though was not one of those days.

"_Mi querido dulce hijos y una hija_ . . . "She started off in a sweet Spanish as she sat down on a chair close to the bed where the three of them had moved to, "Why in the world did you do that to _Princesa_ Bella? What did she do to deserve a face full of chocolate cake, the one Francis made, a punch bath and then a run through the aviary and Palacio? She is in her room right now, fuming on some poor servant who had the job to clean her up. I think before I left she nearly threw a jug of wine at the poor man," She said with a sigh and a shake of the head. Gabriella knew why they pulled pranks and completely understood them, hell she was the one to teach them about the art of pranking in the first place when they were younger, not knowing what the devious Trio would become later.

"She deserved it! She made fun of Gilbird and tried to trap him in the aviary! Defiantly un-awesome!" Gill yelled in defense for her bird who poked his head out once he heard his name and cheeped and them. She then proceeded to try and rehide but one look from Gabriella and he was out in the open, on Gill's head chirping happily.

"Gillian, _mi querido_, you know how I feel about Gilbird in the house," Gillian nodded and mumbled a soft sorry, "It's fine dear, I understand why you don't want to be away from him. Nextly, she did now? And why do you think that she does that?" Gabriella asked.

"She's jealous that she isn't as awesome as Gilbird," Gil stated in a rather matter-of-fact way.

"She's jealous of all the time Gill-_chère_ spends with Antoine," Francis said. Gabriella nodded and the other two completely blanched.

"Sí Francis, you are right. Bella, Antonio, is the bride you are to take if by the time you turn nineteen in the case that you cannot find someone else that suits your fancy," Gabriella said this statement directly to him. Antonio paled and Gillian looked like she was about to crack some heads, well one, and this particular one was blonde and green eyed.

"WAIT! I thought I (he) had another year before I (he) had to choose! I (he) still do(es), don't (doesn't) I (he)?" Antonio, Francis, and Gillian said, panicking, confused as hell, or angry as fuck, depending on who you were. Gabriella laughed.

"Yes you still have a year and a half dear, but, this is just a just-in-case thing _mi miel_," she stood up and looked at them, "Remember in six months you are leaving for a year for your "Worldly experience". Maybe then you will find her, hmm? That is how your grandfather and grandmother met when he went to France," She sighed fondly, remembering the inspiring story of her late parents but quickly snapped out of it and turned back to the children before her,"I want you happy, _Hijo_, BUT I want you to learn responsibility first, so you are to go to Bella and apologize, ALL of you, and then you can go about whatever you happen to do, _sí_?" That nodded and stood to do as she said. As they walked out she kissed each one on the head and smiled approvingly at them. Smiling she followed the Trio out the door and shut it, proud of her work.

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_*The Kingdom of Naples, same day*_

A widespread panic flooded the Royal Palace of Naples as _Re e Regina_ of Naples lamented over the loss of their two daughters and only heirs to the throne. They had been kidnapped the previous night and had only been discovered missing that morning when they had not come down for breakfast. It was odd because they had missed dinner the night before (Due to insubordination from them over something trivial that the _Regina_ was now extremely guilty over being mad at them for) and the two _principesse _were known for their nearly bottomless appetites. A massive man hunt was under way for them as some odd shadowy figure laughed quietly in the shade of _an orange tree _in the royal garden while he twirled a small golden key that was the only thing in the way of their freedom. Quietly he slipped away, his golden-olive eyes glittering in a sick sort of amusement over the whole charade . . .

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_*Dictionary, Part 1*_

_El Palacio Real _The royal palace of Spain in the capitol of Madrid_._

_blood-red carnations and yellow lilies _The Red Carnation if the national flower of Spain and Yellow is the other main color in the flag and well, I thought that lilies would look good with carnations so yeah . . .

_wheat-field ~_Kayla knows ;)

_le Prince de la France ~_(French) The Prince of France

_le Pays D'amour ~_(French) The country of France

_maître de l'amour ~_(French) The Master of Love

_Prinzessin Preußens ~_(German) The Princess of Prussia

_die Preußische Prinzessin ~_(German) The Prussian Princess

_el Príncipe del Reino de España ~_(Spanish) The prince of the kingdom of Spain

_el País de Pasión ~_(Spanish) The country of passion ~

_des fleurs de l'amour ~_(French) The flowers of love

_el Príncipe ~_(Spanish) the Prince

_mon amie ~_(French) My ((Female)) Friend

_Gil-tory ~_(Gilbert-ian err rather Gillish?) A victory for Gillian

_verwöhnte Belgienprinzessin ~_(German) Spoiled Belgian Princess

_le Chateau Tuileries ~_The palace in Paris, France

_der Stadtschloss Palast ~_The palace in or near Berlin, The capitol of both Germany later on and Prussia

_ma tante ~_(French) my aunt

_Sí Madre ~_(Spanish) Yes mother

_por favor, hijo ~_(Spanish) Please, son

_La Reina Gabriella ~_(Spanish) The queen Gabriella ((Why that name, well I like it and I think it suits her)

_Reina ~_(Spanish) Queen

_Mi querido dulce hijos y una hija ~_(Spanish) My lovely, sweet sons and daughter ((Yes I made Gillian her Goddaughter and Antonio and Francis are Gill's mother's Godsons in exchange because of the closeness of the parents))

_Princesa ~_(Spanish) princess

_mi querido ~_(Spanish) my beloved

_chère ~_(French) dear ((female))

_mi miel_, ~ (Spanish) Honey

_Hijo ~_(Spanish) Son

_sí_?" ~ (Spanish) Yes?

_Re e Regina ~_(Italian!) king and queen

_Regina ~_(Italian) queen

_Principesse ~_(Italian) Princesses, plural there is an "a" at the end and not an "e" if it is only one

_an orange tree_~ Orange and Lemon citrus groves are HUGE in this region of the earth

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Just so you know, I will only translate a word ONCE so here is the only time you will see them italicized and such. Otherwise, it's just like every other word. Oh and sorry if this sucks, the beginnings always suck for me and I might end up redoing this chapter in the future.

Reviews are like vodka for Russians, essential and vital for life, seeing as water (nothing) freezes too fast and then you die. Feed Ivan (My need for reviews)!


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